taking control of your happiness

 

 

If you’ve read my book ‘Buy Yourself The Damn Flowers’ then you know this is one of the fundamental pillars of building self-love. It was such a journey for me to get to the place where I can confidently say that I am happy in where I am, with what I have and who I’ve grown to be. That’s not to say none of those factors will change, because I strive for improvement in all areas, but I learnt how to be happy during the process rather than waiting to feel good when the result finally arrived. Happiness isn’t about the absence of any struggle, it’s finding the beauty in the thick of experiencing it. This insight was transformative for me because I used to hold myself back with thoughts like:

  • "I just need this problem fixed, then I’ll be okay."

  • "If I could just double my income, then I’d start enjoying life."

  • "Life is good, but once I have a boyfriend, it will be perfect."

  • "If only summer were here, I’d feel motivated and happy every day."

Let’s take the third thought as a prime example. People often overanalyse their circumstances to identify some ‘missing piece’ they believe is essential to happiness. Whether it’s a relationship, a job, more money, or a change in lifestyle, we often think joy is just one step away. In reality, it’s usually right in front of us.

But let’s consider happiness from a scientific perspective. It all comes down to our “happy hormones” (dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, and oxytocin) the key elements that help us live joyfully every day. Each of these hormones has its own unique “checklist” for reaching peak levels, providing us with practical ways to boost our happiness.

 

TAM’S STORY AND PERSONAL INSIGHTS 

I decided to put this to the test by creating my own happiness routine rituals to see if a few quick daily habits could really lift my mood and this is what it looked like:


  • Wake-up 

  • Go for a walk in the park (serotonin check!)

  • Gym workout 30+ minutes (endorphin check!)

  • Get ready for the day and eat (dopamine check!)

  • Meditate (serotonin check!)

  • Read a self-help book (dopamine check!)
    Start ticking off my work/to-do list tasks (dopamine check!)

  • Journal reflection and progress check (dopamine check!)

  • Call a friend/date night with my boyfriend at the end of the day (oxytocin check!)

  • Evening routine running a warm bubble bath with essential oils and watching a movie (endorphin check!)

It’s really that simple.

Beyond daily habits, a few essential mindset shifts are key to sustaining consistent happiness. The first is to be careful of what you plan for. I used to catch myself anticipating worst-case scenarios - planning, almost unconsciously, for things to go wrong. If I had a major work opportunity, my mind would naturally think of situations where I might fail, let down my team, produce bad work, or arrive late. I say naturally because everyone's minds work like this as our brains evolved to prioritise threats and negative information as a way to keep us safe. This is called negativity bias and it's designed to help humans survive. So don’t feel bad for having this thought pattern. The next time you catch yourself dwelling on how something could go wrong, start envisioning all the ways it could go right. For example, bring an extra phone battery in case you’re enjoying yourself so much that you stay longer than planned, or have a few conversation starters ready - you’re bound to meet some interesting people! By preparing for success rather than failure, we can begin to use our natural tendencies to support our happiness.

 

PRACTICAL TRANSFORMATION TIPS FOR DAILY HAPPINESS.

⛔️Draft 2-3 morning routines suited to different moods or phases you might find yourself in - for instance, a calm routine, a busy day prep, or one for extra motivation. Incorporate at least two “happy hormone” habits (like journalling) into each to establish a daily habit of showing up for yourself, regardless of your mood or the demands of the day.

🛫Stop being a passenger princess and get in the driver’s seat of your own life! No more floating through the day simply trying to get your compulsory tasks done. Start planning ahead to find even 30 minutes for something that truly fills your cup. A good approach is to map out your month in advance. Try to schedule at least one social event, a solo outing, four rest days, and two new activities (a class, hobby, or habit) to begin with; then adjust these based on what brings you joy. You might need more or less of each depending on what truly lights you up.

🎭In any moment - especially one that takes you out of your comfort zone - make it a habit to engage in actions that make the experience meaningful. Visualise what you’d need to do to ensure it’s rewarding enough to look back on with gratitude or to write about in a journal. For example, if you’re in a room full of unfamiliar faces, make the effort to shift your body language, start a conversation, express your thoughts openly, approach a group, or move around to increase your chances of a positive interaction. This is how you take ownership of your life, ensuring you maximise what you gain from every experience. The alternative is relying on others to make you feel included or leaving your confidence to the circumstances, hoping things fall into place.

🧘♀️Shift from worry to excitement. No matter where you are on your journey, you’ll still encounter nerves, negative feelings, or self-doubt. That’s why it’s so important to be aware of your thoughts and replace them with ones that uplift and energise you - otherwise, you’ll be left vulnerable to your brain’s natural tendencies to worry or trigger a fight-or-flight response. When I’m about to step out of my comfort zone, I sometimes feel nervous and worry that I’ll feel awkward or won’t enjoy myself. Replacing these thoughts with positive alternatives has made each day feel lighter: instead, I think, “What if I make new friends?” or “What if I learn something life-changing?”

✅Keep a “makes me feel good vs. bad” list in your journal or on your phone. When life gets overwhelming, it’s easy to slip back into habits that leave us feeling drained. Whenever I’m feeling low, I revisit this list to hold myself accountable, seeing how much of my time has recently been spent on activities that energise versus those that deplete me. 

 


TAM’S FAV TOOLS TO HELP YOU ON THIS JOURNEY 

  • Book: ‘Buy Yourself The Damn Flowers’ by Tam Kaur. I talk about happiness from a self-love perspective a lot through my book and offer practical methods to boost your joy in your usual daily routines. 

  • App: Habit - I use this as a repeating daily to-do list to check off all my happy hormone and healthy habit tasks 

  • Book: ‘New Happy’ I’m currently reading this and it’s such a good and comprehensive guide to learning and building your own happiness.  

  • YouTube: ‘How to romanticise your life to be happier’  

  • Article: Harvard Business Review, ‘What You Were Taught About Happiness’ Isn’t True- the quotes about the true meaning of happiness in this article really resonated with me and transformed the way I see so many things that used to rob me of joy.